only be on my blog (or Facebook or Goodreads) while my children are asleep or at school. I've made that committment for this reason-
Josh turned 9 on Monday.
Let me explain...
I can't shake a sadness that has been following me around for weeks. It started after we returned home from Disneyland. I didn't want my babies to go back to school. (Zach and Jace may object to me calling them babies... too bad) Summer was too short. Even if it was cram packed with slacking off and doing crazy fun things. Shortly after, Ron, Jed and Jordan died. (I'm still obsessivly reading the Mingo blog and Kirsten's blog.) Now Grandma Mingo is so unhappy and while I'll miss her, I want her to let go and die. In turn, this is all making my mom unhappy, which worries me. And then Josh turned 9!
The common theme here is "Loss." The loss of summer, of childhood, of youth, of bright futures, of loved ones. Everything and everyone seems fragile. I feel sad and guilty for every moment with my family that passes unused to the fullest. And for being impatient, angry or thoughtless of anyone I love so dearly. So as I was tucking Josh in bed the night of his birthday, I said, "I love you so much! I'm so happy you're mine forever. Did you have a good birthday?" Josh replied," Yeah, I wish it wasn't over." As I kissed him, I breathed in deeply. He smelled like shampoo, chocolate frosting and some unknown little boy scent and it hit me - a panicky feeling, kind of like when I realize that I've forgotten something really important, or something bad is about to happen and I need to prevent it, or like the other day when I couldn't find Sam when I went to pick him up after school. Exactly like that. Then the feeling was gone and I was left feeling very sad that Joshua, little, beautiful, talented, creative, tenderhearted Joshua was one year closer to growing up. I stood there for a moment, my nose in his neck, until he squirmed and pushed me away.
Point of my rambling - the only thing that gives me comfort is to try spending more time creating memories and building unbreakable bonds with these crazy awesome people that are my family. Habits are hard to break and I'm used to being busy to the point of ridiculous. But things have slowed down somewhat so I figured now is a good time to reprioritize how I spend my time. That being said, my kids will be home shortly so I'm logging off my computer. Let me know if we share some of these same feelings.
Josh turned 9 on Monday.
Let me explain...
I can't shake a sadness that has been following me around for weeks. It started after we returned home from Disneyland. I didn't want my babies to go back to school. (Zach and Jace may object to me calling them babies... too bad) Summer was too short. Even if it was cram packed with slacking off and doing crazy fun things. Shortly after, Ron, Jed and Jordan died. (I'm still obsessivly reading the Mingo blog and Kirsten's blog.) Now Grandma Mingo is so unhappy and while I'll miss her, I want her to let go and die. In turn, this is all making my mom unhappy, which worries me. And then Josh turned 9!
The common theme here is "Loss." The loss of summer, of childhood, of youth, of bright futures, of loved ones. Everything and everyone seems fragile. I feel sad and guilty for every moment with my family that passes unused to the fullest. And for being impatient, angry or thoughtless of anyone I love so dearly. So as I was tucking Josh in bed the night of his birthday, I said, "I love you so much! I'm so happy you're mine forever. Did you have a good birthday?" Josh replied," Yeah, I wish it wasn't over." As I kissed him, I breathed in deeply. He smelled like shampoo, chocolate frosting and some unknown little boy scent and it hit me - a panicky feeling, kind of like when I realize that I've forgotten something really important, or something bad is about to happen and I need to prevent it, or like the other day when I couldn't find Sam when I went to pick him up after school. Exactly like that. Then the feeling was gone and I was left feeling very sad that Joshua, little, beautiful, talented, creative, tenderhearted Joshua was one year closer to growing up. I stood there for a moment, my nose in his neck, until he squirmed and pushed me away.
Point of my rambling - the only thing that gives me comfort is to try spending more time creating memories and building unbreakable bonds with these crazy awesome people that are my family. Habits are hard to break and I'm used to being busy to the point of ridiculous. But things have slowed down somewhat so I figured now is a good time to reprioritize how I spend my time. That being said, my kids will be home shortly so I'm logging off my computer. Let me know if we share some of these same feelings.
